please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So many bounce houses so little time
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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