i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I AM VODKA MAN
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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