i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
