Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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