i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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