whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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