when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
