You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
