we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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