i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
