Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
