Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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