Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
