I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
