Already got asked if we're dating
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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