Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
