I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
