so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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