my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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