Jerry, you need to find god
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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