so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
