My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
