Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
