Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
