listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
