found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
