You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
