I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
