cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
