you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What a dumb baby whore.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize