I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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