I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
