Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
