bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
zippers are such a cool invention
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
