i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize