Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
