hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
