i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
