mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
