Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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