I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
