I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
