I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
