the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
