When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
