considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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