You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Drunk is not a location!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
