Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
