Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
