I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
