I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
