someone threw a dead crab at me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
