my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
