U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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