Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
