oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
