yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize