Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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