This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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