Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
