I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
