The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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