Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize