Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
